Dear Jackie,
Tomorrow it will be six months since I told you I loved you in person. You were in so much pain. I remember the night before.I set with you until 6:00 am and you did alot of talking. I have yet to share all of that and not sure I want to share it all just yet. You did ask for Jo, Sandy and Jannie. I told you they were not here. You ask me to take care of Heather, Joshua and Chris. You said Chris would be all alone, and to be there for him.You told me to watch out for the grandbabies and make sure they had shoes for school. You said Sophie would never know you and I promised she would. I will keep that promise. You said Mother was there and she wanted to talk to you. I ask you what Mother was saying and you said, Don't be scared. I got scared cause I knew you were ready to go and I knew Mother had come to get you. You also talked about Lowell. You wanted him to be happy. I told you I couldn't help him with that. You said, that Donna was good for him. You also told me to be happy and to leave if I needed to. I didn't want to get into my problems so I  told you it was getting late and you needed to rest. I went to bed at 6;00 am that morning and I wish I would have stayed up. You wanted to talk, but I was so tired. I woke Chris up ,and I went to bed. The next morning , I got up; at 8: 00. Heather said you didn't want the nurse to come and give you your bath. I think that was the last thing you responded too. I should have stayed up with you. I should have been there for you.So much I regret. I don't know how to live with all this. I am so sorry.
Its the 27th of September. Your son had his birthday and all your family wished him happy birthday. Jo Sandy Joy Jannie and Lowell.  I wish you were here to see that. I know that , thats what you always wanted was for your family, to be apart of your family. You were so proud of Heather and Joshua, but you never bragged on them to the family. You thought they never cared. They probable didn't but they do now or at least act like they do.
Jeannie made Joshua a pineapple upside down cake for his birthday. He loved it. Jeannie is doing so much for them. You would be so proud of her, plus I think she likes me too.
The day of your service, Sandy, Jannie, Lowell,and  Brandy, none of them spoke to me. I didn't speak to them either. I thought they had been so selfish. They got upset cause they were being excluded as they said because your family, Chris, Joshua and Heather went into your bedroom and tried to go threw pictures for your service. If we had all been apart of that, it would never had gotten done. Your family did such a great job picking pictures and including all the family in them. I want to say I am sorry for the way they acted. Karen feels like she got blamed for it and she did nothing but open her house to them , fix dinner and just be there. I know you and Karen had some isues but I also know you loved her and she loved you. You was always there for her. Needless to say, I don't talk to anyone but Jo, and don't talk to her as much as I use to. It is selfish of me, I know.
I haven't talked to Dewayne for awhile. I guess I am being selfish there too.I am scared. I don't want to be close to anyone anymore. It hurts to much. I know that sounds crazy, but I can not let go of loosing you, and it is just to hard to be there for the ones I love that is going threw things. I have talked to God so much in my dreams. I keep asking why, he took you, and I also keep saying to you, Jackie we gotta keep believing. Then I wake up and I am so mad. I know you are saying Sharon, you can't be thinking like this. I know how you felt about everything and I know what you said to me. I am trying to be that person. I love you. Goodnight my sister. I will talk again later. Love you.