Dear Jackie,
 We are into October already.I cannot believe this.I know you would be decorating for halloween by now. You decorated for all holidays better than anyone of us. You put your heart into everything you did. I miss you so much Jackie. I dreamed about you last night. You had a hat on and a long dress like back in the old days. I told you how pretty you looked and you laughed that laugh that only you had. My dreams always end with you living cause we believed.. You fight and I fight for your healing. Then I wake up. Its October 20th. Mikes birthday and Earls. Also pioneer days in our town. We had alot of things going on which I would have shared with you.I saw pictures of Sophie Heather and Ken , and they made me cry for you.I know how much you wanted to be a part of their life. Its October 22th  Heather sent me a video of Sophie crawling talking and just being a 10 an ahalf month old. She is wondering how they will get threw thanksgiving. I don't know how. I don;t know how I will get threw thanksgiving without you. We always planed our meal together. What you were fixin and what I was fixen.This is so not fare. I want you back. Jackie help me. I am lost. I need you. You was always my reasoning.You always made me see . I need you. Jackie it has been awhile. I cannot talk right now. Just want you to know how much I miss you and now dealing with Lowell passing. I know he is with you and the rest of the family. I just was not ready for him to go. I know you understand. I know you know how much I loved him. Please tell him that I always loved and missed him, and that I blow my horn everytime I see a white tocoma toyota pick up truck

Dear Jackie,
Tomorrow it will be six months since I told you I loved you in person. You were in so much pain. I remember the night before.I set with you until 6:00 am and you did alot of talking. I have yet to share all of that and not sure I want to share it all just yet. You did ask for Jo, Sandy and Jannie. I told you they were not here. You ask me to take care of Heather, Joshua and Chris. You said Chris would be all alone, and to be there for him.You told me to watch out for the grandbabies and make sure they had shoes for school. You said Sophie would never know you and I promised she would. I will keep that promise. You said Mother was there and she wanted to talk to you. I ask you what Mother was saying and you said, Don't be scared. I got scared cause I knew you were ready to go and I knew Mother had come to get you. You also talked about Lowell. You wanted him to be happy. I told you I couldn't help him with that. You said, that Donna was good for him. You also told me to be happy and to leave if I needed to. I didn't want to get into my problems so I  told you it was getting late and you needed to rest. I went to bed at 6;00 am that morning and I wish I would have stayed up. You wanted to talk, but I was so tired. I woke Chris up ,and I went to bed. The next morning , I got up; at 8: 00. Heather said you didn't want the nurse to come and give you your bath. I think that was the last thing you responded too. I should have stayed up with you. I should have been there for you.So much I regret. I don't know how to live with all this. I am so sorry.
Its the 27th of September. Your son had his birthday and all your family wished him happy birthday. Jo Sandy Joy Jannie and Lowell.  I wish you were here to see that. I know that , thats what you always wanted was for your family, to be apart of your family. You were so proud of Heather and Joshua, but you never bragged on them to the family. You thought they never cared. They probable didn't but they do now or at least act like they do.
Jeannie made Joshua a pineapple upside down cake for his birthday. He loved it. Jeannie is doing so much for them. You would be so proud of her, plus I think she likes me too.
The day of your service, Sandy, Jannie, Lowell,and  Brandy, none of them spoke to me. I didn't speak to them either. I thought they had been so selfish. They got upset cause they were being excluded as they said because your family, Chris, Joshua and Heather went into your bedroom and tried to go threw pictures for your service. If we had all been apart of that, it would never had gotten done. Your family did such a great job picking pictures and including all the family in them. I want to say I am sorry for the way they acted. Karen feels like she got blamed for it and she did nothing but open her house to them , fix dinner and just be there. I know you and Karen had some isues but I also know you loved her and she loved you. You was always there for her. Needless to say, I don't talk to anyone but Jo, and don't talk to her as much as I use to. It is selfish of me, I know.
I haven't talked to Dewayne for awhile. I guess I am being selfish there too.I am scared. I don't want to be close to anyone anymore. It hurts to much. I know that sounds crazy, but I can not let go of loosing you, and it is just to hard to be there for the ones I love that is going threw things. I have talked to God so much in my dreams. I keep asking why, he took you, and I also keep saying to you, Jackie we gotta keep believing. Then I wake up and I am so mad. I know you are saying Sharon, you can't be thinking like this. I know how you felt about everything and I know what you said to me. I am trying to be that person. I love you. Goodnight my sister. I will talk again later. Love you.

Dear Jackie
Just got home from work. Tired. I know how you felt when you worked so hard and long hours.
Little Jace had a tooth pulled today and he as cute as a button. He is looking so grown up.
I haven't seen a picture of Jax lately but know he has also grown so much.
Can you believe our dollbaby is walking? Jackie you are in her so much. I  know she is  alot like you. Heather loves that she is and so do I.
It is the 21st and I am missing you and thinking about you being gone almost 6 months. Jackie it so wasn't fare that God took you home. I am trying to understand him and why, but know that is not the way things work with God. He chooses and we have to deal with it. I know you are happy and you are wanting us to follow you . It is so hard for me to pray and believe anymore. I am really scared about this. God has always been my driving force in my life. I always believed that if we ask and believed it would be done. I know you believed that too. I just am so messed up right now about all that, that I do not know how to pray. I promised you that you were not going to die, cause I believed with all my heart that God heard all our prayers and he was using you for everyone to see the miracle that he was doing. What happened? I do not know. I am sorry that I promised and I should not have. I could not make you well. I wanted to, I tried but I couldn't I am so sorry. Please forgive me. I love you and miss you so much.

Dear Jackie,

It is 9/11 today. The world is remembering what our country went through 12 years ago. Not to be selfish, but I am thinking of what you had to go through for 14 months. I miss and today I want to talk about the funny Jackie.

You could make anyone laugh with your stories. You mostly laughed at yourself and your husband, Chris. You could take just one little thing and turn it into the funniest story anyone had ever heard.

I know most people have already heard the story of when you and your family were visiting in North Carolina. Your kids were still small, maybe 8 and 12 years old. I am just guessing.

Anyway, the kids were doing each other’s hair, some neighborhood kids came over, and they were all having so much fun. That is until someone said, "I think that kid might have lice.” Oh my GOD! You went into a tailspin. You packed all your stuff and said we were all leaving. It scared you to death. You had heard that putting kerosene on your heads would kill them, and so you wrapped everyone’s head in aluminum foil and headed back to Texas. You, Chris, Joshua, and Heather had your heads covered in foil, twisted at the top, like aliens, and off you went to Texas.

People in cars looked at you like, “What was that?” I think Heather even stuck her tongue out at people once or twice as you traveled on down the highway. Then came time to stop for gas. So Chris was starting to take the foil off and of course, you said, “Oh no you are not! He said, "Well Jackie, I can't get out and pump gas with this on my head!” You answered that with, "You will so or you are getting back in this car!" So Chris put gas in the car with his head covered in foil as if everything were normal. Onto Texas you went. When you got home, you all slept in lawn chairs for weeks until you were satisfied that they were no more lice. 

That story will always be one of your stories that no one will ever forget. I miss that laugh of yours. You told things with such truth and you always made things funny.

Later I will tell the one about you, Chris and the garbage can. I still crack up at that one.

Sister, I love you, and you know how much I miss you. I think of you every day. You are my partner in my work. Without you, I would not get through some of my days. You push me to keep going. I take you to work with me always. I hear you talking to me. That might sound crazy to some, but I need it.

Before I tell any of the other funny stories about you Jackie, I might want to check with Chris first.

Goodnight.

Love you.

Dear Jackie,

I started to watch Big Brother tonight because Heather said she got you and her Dad into watching it. I lasted until Amanda got voted off. Ha! I would rather be in here writing to you, but I wanted to have that show to share with your daughter and her Dad. Sorry Heather, I cannot get into it. Maybe because I started watching it too late. Maybe next season I will be able to get into it.

Jackie, tonight I saw your little granddaughter standing and eating all by herself. Heather sent me a video and Jackie, she is a spitting image of Heather. There is no way you would not know that that little doll baby doesn't belong to your daughter.

It is Sunday night now and has been awhile since I have written to you. You know me, when the sun doesn't shine, I get kind of down. It has been cloudy, raining and flooding and just nasty here for the last few weeks. I get too sad about everything, and didn't want to post in that sort of frame of mind.

I saw you in the clouds today on my way to a job. You were bent over picking a weed. I knew it was a weed because you had your mouth in that prefect way you always do when there is a stubborn weed to pick. I pulled off the road and just watched as the cloud you were in slowing passed away. I cried for you and wanted you to know that I saw you.

Jackie, I really miss you. I know you are with Mother, Daddy, Don, Barb, and Ann, but I still miss you and never got enough time with you. I want so much for you to know your grand babies. I fell guilty cause I got to know mine and am with them daily. I know how much little Jas and Jax meant to you. I also know you never got enough time with them. Now, there is little Sophie. Jackie she is such a doll. She is able to wave ‘Hi’ now. Can you believe that she went from that tiny little thing to a person that is going to be like her Mimi.

I will always love your family and they will always be a part of my family. I promise you that.

Love you Jackie

Rough Day

Dear Jackie.

We all had a rough day today. Tyler's dog Scooter passed away. He had been with Tyler for 10 years. Tyler was with him when he passed. I told him he was in heaven with you, and I know that you will take great care of him. I told him at Christmas you would have him all groomed and handsome for the holidays. He said I hope she plays ball with him. He loves to go fetch. I told him: absolutely!

Heather and I texted one another today. She has been having a rough time for the last week. She misses you so much. She said Sophie is learning new things every day. She is so cute; I just want to kiss those little cheeks of hers.

Lowell called me today. We don't talk too much anymore, but I think he is happy. He has been sick for a while. Please talk to God and ask him to help him get over this bug he's caught.

I miss you Jackie. I remember when our siblings Don, Ann and Barb passed and how you cried and said, “Life goes on. We have lost two sisters and a brother, but life goes on?” You were mad and could not understand how we could all go on without them, but you knew that life had to go on. I guess I need to know how to do that now. I loved Donnie and Ann—she was a lot like you. And Barb—she was the ‘matter-of-fact’ lady who got a lot of respect from the family. But she was fun and loving, too.

It's hard not to feel bad if I smile or have a good day. You Jackie, you have always been such a big part of my life. Even when we were mad at each other, we still checked in with someone to find out how the other was doing. It seems so silly now. You were always the first person I called if I had good news, bad news or was just mad at Mike. Even if I just had a bad day at work, it was you I called. You did the same with me.

You are going to think this is funny, since we both have a spelling problem, but Joshua read your blog and said, “Mom, if you want me to, I can proofread your blog and spell check and put the punctuation marks where they belong.” I can hear your response now, “Well Sharon, he just wants to help.”

All your brothers and sisters’ kids loved you too. I don't believe any of the rest of us siblings can say that about ourselves. It was because you made each one feel special and important. You were silly Aunt Jackie. I know my boys thought the world of you. Even Tyler and Courtney talked about you all the time and they only saw you a couple of times, but you left a mark on them, which everyone loved about you.

Hard to Know Where to Start

Dear Jackie,
I have been wanting to start a blog for you ever since you went to heaven. It has just been hard to know where to start. All I know is I need to talk with you. I love you and miss you more than my heart can sometimes stand, so I am going to write to you. If anyone who knows what you meant me wants to read along, they can.

I will start by telling everyone that you were the third youngest in a family of twelve. Nine girls and three boys. You were also the smallest. Barely five foot tall—you never weighed more than 98 pounds most of your adult life. You had the biggest heart too. You would give whatever you had to anyone if you thought they need or wanted something. You were the funniest—you kept us all in stitches. You could tell the funniest stories too. Not just pretty, you were beautiful. The most beautiful of all the nine girls. You never knew this, but you were Jackie. Those beautiful brown eyes, that smile, and your personality too, these made you so special.

Work. No one could work like you. You know the ole saying, "You work like a man;" well, no man could keep up with you. You gave your all to anything you ever did. Work, love, family, kids, and grand-kids— you gave so much. I hope you knew how much I loved you—all five feet of you. You would never back down to anyone if you believed they were wrong. You would fight with all you had. I do not believe you ever did lose a fight.

You were strong in your belief in God too. You taught me so much about God when I went through throat cancer. You knew the Word better than anyone I have ever known. I remember when you read the Old Testament; you could not put it down until you had finished it. I also remember when you read the New Testament. You said you liked the old one better, and had just recently read it again. You and our other sister Jo taught me how to pray and get answers to those prayers. When Lowell fought his battle with cancer, I knew how to pray for him because of you and Jo. You were always there for me in my darkest hours, and got me through it all. I tried to be there for you and I am so sorry. I don't understand and I don't know what happened. I prayed and I believed. I am so sorry. I miss you so much.

You have been gone a little over 5 months. Heather and I text almost daily. Jackie, she is such a good Mother. You would be so proud of her. Sophie is a little doll. She is crawling and has two teeth now. Heather misses you so much. She really needs her Mother. Please let her know you are there near her. She watches for signs of you just as I do, hoping in a dream you will visit just to let us know you are still with us.

Jase and Jax started school. Yes Heather made sure they had their new shoes and that they fit. Ha! Joshua is gardening and growing all kinds of stuff. You would be so proud. He started one for you too where the playhouse used to be. Chris is still lonely for you as he will always be. Come visit him often. He needs you still. Heather and Joshua have made him a big part of their lives now. Ken and Jeannie are very supportive too. You know all this though. You are watching over us all.

I am fixin’ to go to bed. Got to work tomorrow. Wish I could call you tonight.
Love you.
Goodnight sister.